Sundaze.

woke up in a better mood today. i was hopeful. i tried. came down and read the paper. i remember why i love ruby so much. ate breakfast. and ate some more. talked and texted. did other stuff. forgot what the rest of the day entailed. oh! i baby sat bro and sis while parents went shopping for groceries and necessities of life. afterwards, i sat with my lil sis and mom in my sisters room as my mom read me bible verses and passages and preached to me. half of it was interesting and helpful, the other half (the part my mother added in) felt like a big finger was jabbing me in the chest and pointing out all my flaws and shortcomings...a typical preacher. wasn't a good feeling. texted some more. --plans next-next weekend? maybe.-- played ariel learning game with sophia. went down stairs and told nick and dad bye as they went to get nicks bball trophy. they won the entire city league thing. [GREAT JOB!!] (johannesen in the coach) drove to carls jr. to get a TERIYAKI BURGER. had like 8 orgasms while eating it.  watched the OSCARS walk and show. loved all the pretty dresses and hot celebrity males. watched and watched. went online for rest of bio SG. dad took me to go get gas for my civic. complained about my driving because i didn't look both ways as i drove across the intersection. got gas. came home. went back on computer. mom and dad both brought up switching schools again. i cried. i hate when they do that. and i've been thinking about it ALOT. i am not sure what to do. i feel like shit with my grades and all and i dont want to be here right now...but  i am really looking forward to being a senior with all my friends and oh! im torn. i dont want to leave. mom complained more to me... and again blamed me for all these little things that bug the hell out of me. "did you take the change?"" did you use my make up?" STFU. seriously i dont do anything and she blames me first and then yells at me for blaming her for my life. fml, and its not even the worst life ever. fuck. i'm in a daze and i want to escape. i know whats best for me but i dont want to admit it and then follow through. i feel like giving up, but i already have. so the next step is to get better...but i don't feel like making that step anytime soon. church retreat this weekend. maybe that'll give me the answers and make me change. maybe it'll help me get a grip. maybe it wont. im going to go with a hopeful outlook though, this friday night... but i had one this morning and look where it got me. :/   


umm. somethings i cant get out of my head right now: kid cudi. fairytales. what darren and shawna are thinking about doing and selling. my friends. my future. my shortcomings. my parents. my life. my hopes and dreams. the empty space in my heart. my love. how the past is the past. movies. smoke. the times i smiled. young and funny wonderful days. music. homework. sex. lies. the times i knew i was in love.  the advice i get from great friends. how i don't hang out enough with those "great friends". how i am tossing and turning. how i need a break. how bad i feel for a certain someone. how i am kinda (in the best un-meanest way possible ) maybe, just a little, smidgen glad it happened to him.  breaking free. breathing. laughing. studying.  BIO AP test.  how i want to pick up all the pieces of life and put them back together. Tomorrow... tomorrow... 
tomorrow...

Heres to a busy week where hopefully i'll be able to find an escape from all the hectic thoughts, promises, and commands that are festering up in the back of my head. i am trying to strangle them currently...but it is in vain, so hopefully the rest of the week will help get the job done. heres to still not getting caught and holding on to shredded threads because, thats all i've got. heres to an escape, an adventure, a storm, and silver-lining. here's to another week, another seven days, more bad choices and daily routines... heres to life... and heres to hope...






torn and tossing and turning within my head,
-steph.