alright I'm back. probably only for today but i feel like im going to explode because I havent talked to anyone in a couple of days. EXPLODE!!! and why that feeling? my parents have been on my ass the past week. like impossible to get rid of, explaining to me all these characteristics and mindsets and changes i should be making, how horribly dissappointed they are in me and how they hate what Ive made them become. and so much more. i sat through so many lectures and had cried so much. this is no way to spend a summer. I still havent found a fucking job and i am way beyond tired. i applied to 12938913801 places this past wednesday, and i'm pretty sure ive got to get lucky from one of them. but anyways i disabled that addictive lovely networking site, in hopes of "changing" and i know my mom made some pretty good points on how i just waste time on things like that...but i really enjoy it. so i dont think its quite "wasting" time away. anyways i disabled it thinking i would change but its only made me more bored and less connected and feeling more fucking lonely. and i'm tired of that...so tomorrow i'll probably open it back up... i dunno the most compelling argument to disable it were my mothers threats. but fuck she is so full if drama. she claims she cant trust me and hates me and all this shiet on how i've hurt her and the family and i realize I AM SELFISH. but she is just so goddamn dramatic. its really hard to take her seriously. so, anyways, ive been applying everywhere...and being nice to the kids...and basically nothing much has changed. i'm still stuck here...and im still not happy...and shes just shutup. which is nice i agree, but its one of those "im only quiet because i got all that yelling out of my system for the time being.." and now to think about it...she hasnt started her period. so all that WWIII explosion was probably just a product of PMS. and yes, if my mother ever reads this, i did draw some interesting perspective from your rants.... and yes i will try to be more RESPONSIBLE in my actions. but just saying, a 3 minute scream would have done the same amount as a 3 day scream.


THAT IS ALL BESIDES THE POINT.
its june 25...3 days from my birthday. EIGHTEEN!! goddamn i cannot wait!

i just found out though that i will be in sandiego the 28th and 29th with my family. on the beach. i am absolutely pissed off on one hand because i just found out about these plans...within the past 24 hours. wtf. i had no intention of spending the entire day with them. i wanted to leave before noon. but now, i have all birthday and EVEN the day after. as if i havent had enough "bonding time" already this summer. ugh. DEAR GOD, I NEED THAT JOB. AMEN. then i'll be out of the house and making money! anyway, on the other hand, i guess the beach is always nice. and i can continue my tan. and i pray there are cute guys begging to play volleyball with a tall wavy-haired beach babe in a bikini. and maybe some shopping wont hurt either. but i am still pissed. id rather be in fucking chino/walnut with people i know and love. but change is alright...
mixed feelings.


also, i read this really good book! it was amazing! it was pretty long...but yknow me, i love good books. plus ive been bored. so i finished it in 3 days...although if i didnt have to spend time running errands id probably have trimmed at least a day off of that. but yes the book was good and i just watched the adjustment bureau which was a trip. that guy is in so many good movies! and its really hot in my room right now.


okay. um other than the above summer is alright. i got my classes at apu and im really excited to see what the remainder of this year will bring. i've noticed that for the past like month and a half, ive been crushing on practically every boy that i find a likeable quality in. so yes, ive been boy crazy. and i'm only writing this in here because i know they'll never read this. but there are two guys in particular. one is fucking hott, and really cute, and just seeing him makes me smile, and the other, omgosh i can tell him everything and he listens, and hes cute too, but i feel so open and i feel like he just opens me up. but that is all...more deats later. LOVEYA

PROM WAS A SUCCESS

What a great night!

TOMORROW IS FRIDAY: Prom Eve TO-DO LIST.

CALC TEST (I hope I do well, I need an A)
SCHOOL( And do Naaz's Makeup!)
FIND DIAMOND CLIP (SPARKLESSSS!)
NAILS! (French Mani)
NEED TO PERFECT MAKEUP (Dark eyes and lips...)
MEET UP WITH THE GRANDPARENTS (Wooo! I miss them!)
BEAUTYYYYY SLEEEEEEEEEP!!! (I'm going to need that!)

WHOOOOO!
I cannot give in. I've got to stick to my guns, my word, whatever I've got left.
But ohhh, why am I making this harder than it should be? Of course it wasn't my decision. So, I guess it's just the way it is.
I HOPE EVERYTHING GOES WELL. I HOPE I HAVE TONS OF FUN.
I HOPE THIS DOESN'T DISTANCE ME...any more than I already am. 

I am trying to think of all the possibilities in front of me. How can I play my cards? I need to make the best of them, and so far, I haven't been doing too well. I am very tired. It's almost Friday. Yet, I am not looking forward to tomorrow, or school, or friends, definitely not home, or the weekend. I've got to get ready...but I miss my 2am-11am sleep schedule.

PROM. It's sneaking up on me. Christian asked me today. He had a big poster and some balloons. It was very cute.



PROM.PROM.PROM! Please slow down. Thanks. ;)

what the fuck was that!??!?!?!?!? 
I want to laugh so hard. BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
That may have just lifted my spirits. thanks ;)


hahahaha well I guess things have changed.
                                                                                                                                                                
OMG. Even though it doesn't mean what I though it might have meant, it taught me a very valuable lesson!!!!!


I like it. I'm out!  I really don't care the same way :) THANK GOD!! 
p.s. thanks for trying, I think you put effort into it because you felt bad, or guilty of something... because that's not like you...anymore. Well 22 minutes+ 5minutes because you failed. 

GROAN. You know that ungodly noise that sounds like a dying walrus---it's like a grunt but lasts longer. It's like an "UGHHHHHHHHGHHHHH" sound. Yeah. That's my life right now. 
I am beyond overwhelmed. I wanna just go out for a run, so I can run and run and run and run until I get lost and forget about everything and only focus on where I am at, and the fear of being lost, and focus on finding my way back home. 
My heart would be racing, and I can picture me in some shoddy movie where the camera would take a bunch of random epileptic angles and swirl around me, and then I'd see something I recognize, and head off in that direction... 
But really I came back, and was renewed. I still felt like crap deep, deep, deep, down, but I had some more strength to push it farther and stop thinking about it. I started loving myself. I started being more genuine and more goofy and just all around a dork; I started being myself. And the first week I noticed I was acting weird--in a good way, but still weird. And the next week I realized I was having more fun, talking to more people, making more experiences, memories, laughs. I didn't think it was possible. And then--get this-- it seemed like every male on the face of the earth was in to me. I was getting invites left and right. And then I thought about it, and it was like a distant feeling of deja-vu. It's like a cycle. I swear, I think my power to allure men is like seasonal. hahaha. But I started getting back to my old ways, I started letting these certain devices take hold of me again. I started trying to take advantage of my situation. I WANTED IT ALL. And now I notice where it's been catching up with me. The dynamics of my relationships are changing. I like the change to a degree, but it doesn't give me the same feeling of joy--now it's more a feeling of..obligation?--it's different. I still have as many invites as I had before, but now they don't mean the same to me. UGH.
I need to decide between colleges. My HEAD says it's probably more beneficial to attend APU. But, My gut instinct says VUSC is the better choice. I'm not sure if I side with my feelings or my mind. 
Also, I am excited--it's bittersweet--a kind of anxious, excitement...


I PRAY I CHOOSE THE RIGHT COLLEGE, MY PLANS FALL INTO PLACE, I GO BACK TO TRUSTING MYSELF, AND I CAN FIND MY WAY BACK HOME....AMEN.

If nothing comes out of this it's the fact that I haven't been giving a damn about anything, and now... I'm starting to care...

So on thursday after nick's basketball practice some stupid lady hit my car as she was backing up. It wasn't a big deal, but she was being a bitch, and it didn't help that I already had so much on my mind, and then memories of my first car accident popped into my head and didn't help much either. ugh. then friday. and calc test... hopefully I did good. and then lunch. and how lunch HAS BEEN. It's getting worse. and I have mixed feelings. I like the side comments. Like I usually enjoy them. But when everyone starts piling on and joining in it gets carried away. That was the irony about having him as my bff. I did enjoy that to a degree. but now that he's gone, everyones trying out for the position it seems. perhaps behaviorally I've put out a NOW HIRING sign? I don't know. But I have to be careful with my decision. I can't take them all. And it amazes me how dah used to be the only one claiming that spot and now when it happens he doesnt add in. he's SILENT. I think he laughed once when someone called him out. And oh god, why do i even let this happen. I am just wondering now if " I CREATED THAT?" am i creating this too? 

writing down my feelings into this blog makes me feel like a psychologist for myself. -____-

I wonder if thats why I left this blog stuff alone for such a long time. 

I really doubt anyone signs-in to this nowadays. It took me a while to even remember my login/password. Anyways. Here is a general sum and outpour of myself.

I am lonely. Not in the desperate way where I'd do anything to be with anyone. But in the fact that I just wish I could be with someone forever. Just a companionship that I knew would always be true. Someone that made me open my mind and think outside the box, and made me realize a different perspective than my own. Someone who helped me in the areas I lack, and didn't mind it. Someone I could share everything with--even all the un-interesting details of my day, because even if it was boring, hearing it from me would make it interesting. Someone who knew the right things to say, and when to just listen and nod and and disregard every crazy word that comes out of my mouth. Someone who would hug me every moment they're with me, and never stop making me smile. Someone, who I knew respected me and I respected as well. Just someone. I really think I could be with anyone given enough...time. But the point is I don't want just anyone. I want someone. 

And this little phase might pass me by. But I think I never got around to thinking about myself and I rushed into some things. And that's why I did what I did... and what I've been doing. So it's not that I love these guys. I guess I kind of like them, in the sense that I don't abhor them. But, truth be told, I don't even respect either of them. But in the same breath I don't respect myself either...

I started this post with a direction. But now I'm thinking of all sorts of other tangent thoughts. I thought I solved it but..it's still enigmatic. 

Anyways, I was going to say I was thinking of a relationship. But I feel like I'm just trying to make things more complicated. I kept telling myself that high school is almost over, and the whole next crazy transition of college would just make a mess of a relationship, and I really doubt I have the guts to start something when I'm so close to moving onto a new part of my life. But part of the desire for something like that is the wonderful feeling of holding someone's hand when you are going through something tough. I mean it's the memories I want, not quite the title this time. I don't want to be in a "relationship", but I want to talk to someone for hours on end and never stop laughing. So, this just might slip away. Tomorrow I might just be wild and crazy and in love with the shallow chit-chat and friendships I have with just about everyone and not even look back. But as of right now, I'm anxious about all the new things in my life. 

*huge sigh of relief*

I finished the Microeconomics essay. Phew. Two and a half hours of writing about it, gahhhh and now it's over. What a final. Hope I aced it!
OH PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!!

Have i written in here that i've been accepted to Vanguard? well i have(Thanks Jason), and today Azusa Pacific accepted me as well. (thanks Phil)
I am so excited. 
:D

I have this knot in my stomach. It's not from anything particular I think... But just an accumulation of things.
Oh, when I heard he walked away... it got me thinking too.
And when I saw the other guy afterwards... it flashed in my mind.
And when I laid down and he was uncomfortable...I wondered why.
And when I texted him...I remembered how easy it is.
And when they laughed in class and we had such a great time...I wished they were my friends instead.
And when I drove home...I wished I could just close my eyes for a very long time.
And when I thought of my day tomorrow...I decided to be free, impulsive, loud, happy, full of energy, weird, ecstatic, sexy, funny, and myself.

Shit. Why are you so fucking worried? I dgaf. I know I'll be prepared and I know I can do it. There isn't a whole shit load of SURPRISES when you sustain yourself. The money is worrisome. But you don't seem so scared. I don't understand that. I am desperately scared about the money. The whole surviving bit? a piece of cake. Why are you so fucking worried? I feel I am pretty realistic, and I know how to get what I want. That's all I need to last those nights. And yeah my moral compass...well I misplaced that years ago. I know where to find it when I absolutely need it, but other than that, it is what it is.

You made me fucking cry today, even after i listend to your stupid rant and picked it up for her... And he doesn't know half the shit he's talking about. It's not like he even fucking tries to be social. he knows how to spend, and earn, but that's about it. Shit, you know you talk crap about him too and how he doesnt spend time either. And guess what? I'm fucking over it. No one's going to change and he does what he is meant to do. No one is a fucking angel, not even you.
Just bear through these last months... OKAY?

BLAH LAH LAH LAH LAHAHAHAHA.
OKAY, either it's the lack of sleep, the extreme amounts of caffeine i've been ingesting, or hormones, or maybe i was drugged? ANYWAYS. i've been pretty DIFFERENT lately. I'm like all weird and making weird faces and comments, and all touchy/feely. WOAH. it's like I'm either totally pissed off and tired. or totes excited and jumpy. AHHH! I'M BIPOLAR! 
hahaha?
I dunno. Anyways, I don't have a lot of time right now. I have to write my report,  study for calc, and figure out how to make copies for M.O.R.E. club. 
BAHHHHHHH D':


HIT ME UP ADRENALINE!

now on to homework.. and my eight page chaffey college research paper 
-_____________-
meh.






so, it's ALMOST over...

****SIGH OF RELIEF****

IT'S OVER!
I sent UC apps in today, I applied to UCLA, UCSB, UCI, and UCR. And I've already sent in apps to two privates. And I've been accepted by one already.  :D


OHHHHH. IT'S OVER!




I AM SO HAPPY & GRATEFUL & LOVING & a bit tired & In Such A Good Mood.

Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving was...different. I wasn't sure how eating in a restaurant would screw up tradition, but it wasn't bad at all. I talked to Andy the entire time. He's much more interesting now that he's curious. I hope he doesn't get carried away, and I wish him the best of luck. I can't wait to meet his friends, god <3, I'd certainly be dtf with those cuties ;D
anyways, I practically choked when he told me the "news". I can't tell anyone, I am kind of happy for him, but still...shocked. After it all, I'm sure it's a good thing that just took 2 years to end... 
Sidenote: When he told me I couldn't believe it. I felt I had heard him wrong. And it felt so out of the blue. ..."that came out of no where." "well, it was just on my mind." "oh." I mean I never really liked her. but it just brought up a sore wound. I HATED that other people knew before me. That probably hurt me the most. Not only was I caught off guard, but everyone there watched me and knew what was going to happen and no one spoke up, I hated them for that. But he said he was going to wait until after finals, break it to her nicely. And the reason: "y'know when you feel like the other person isn't trying as hard?" And he's already checking out other chicks. 
Okay, so thanksgiving was nice, everyone looked cute. and afterwards I played COD :) I am nearly addicted to that game. 


didn't really go black friday shopping like I wanted to. oh well. 
Overall though Thanksgiving made up for it  :)

What I Just Bought

Went window shopping today and to go try on a pair of UGGs. They were cute but eh. I'm not 100% sure on the way they look on me. Anyways, then I passed by White House Black Market and OMG! I just had to go in. I tried on three dresses and they were breathtaking! I got so many compliments and I felt like a model while I was shopping hahaha <3 
This is what I bought:


http://www.whitehouseblackmarket.com/store/browse/product.jsp?maxRec=65&pageId=1&productId=570010208&viewAll=&prd=Illusion+Tank+Dress&subCatId=&color=&fromSearch=&inSeam=&posId=14&catId=cat210002&cat=Dresses++Skirts&onSale=&colorFamily=&maxPg=5&size=



and yeah, I'm definitely in love with this one.


THANK YOU MOM!

My heart is undergoing mass confusion right now. 
Please check back in a bit... Or I can take a message?...

Why is she always so defensive when I'm on the phone? I swear this time and the last time no one said anything regarding myself or her, or ANYTHING! Seriously! She's blaming them and they aren't saying anything, she's fucking putting word in to their mouths. UGh. I can't wait to go out tomorrow. UGHUGH.


Anyways. 1st. TEST. not sure how i did, i think i did fine but... we'll see the score.
2nd. um MACBETH. I hate taking notes... and it's pretty boring, took forever for class to end.
3rd. Anatomy Lab. pretty interesting, i like that metal rod thing.
4th. forensics. again with the notes! test moved to monday...thank God. and so much MATH!
Lunch. Talked to steven. Slapped him. HAHAHA. but only because he was head pushing. :P then talked to the guys, mom fiasco took place...and yeahhh


I have A's now! :D TGFS!!!!!!!
SERIOUSLY! :D I'm so grateful for him. 
and...their party is on the 4th. :( butt i'll probably get something for both of them 


yaaaaaaa.
<3 always!

Late-start

"No... I'm warning you, you'll get addicted to it and then you won't be able to stop."
"But.. I need to... Just one more time--Hurry."


Crazy boys and their thoughts...
"I'm still crushin' on you." I can't believe he said that to my face. :O . and side note: he's pretty respectful, but not my type.


Today,   had fun in the morning with yala boys :D <3 it! shared with nina, 
english was hard as fuck to bear. forensics...NOTES?!?! agh! and yeah, somethings up with that little boy at our table.. and lunch was eh. hahaha went to turn in darrens worksheet with him... Marsano--is that your prom date? "NO. no. no." and then I went with him again to the office. but I love him and I got to play with his phone and he owes me. :P


afterwards college apps. (which are slowly decaying my writing skills and eating at my soul.)
and dinner. and i don't think i did any homework today...-__- and I'm tired. OH! finished watching and catching up with THE EVENT. 
:O AH! SO SUSPENSEFUL! I WISH IT WAS A MOVIE!!! 


and yeahs.
hugs and kisses...
abrazos y besos...
hugs and ching-wo


(i'm tri-lingual...kinda ;) )




STEPHANIE <3

WARNING: THIS VIDEO IS BOTH CUTE AND GRAPHIC. lol

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

HAHAHA, I WAS SO SHOCKED!!

Updatee

Went to Santa Barbara to check out UCSB. Very nice, A LOT of BIKES! and yeahhh. The Beach was BEAUTIFUL btw. I wish I could live on the beach for the rest of my life. And then went shopping, saw a bunch of friends, tried to finish essays, (I AM DYING TO PLAY BLACK OPS. but i'm not allowed to untill i finish my essays. -_- ), bball game, sophia's school, new music, fritz family,   and yeahhh. so far. today is SATURDAY... i think?...yeah. WHERE DID THE BREAK GO? :O
had fun though. <3

I know this all too well, but I never give up.

omg its already thursday.

tomorrows my dad's birthday. I am ready to sleep through the entire weekend.  
Had a breath today. felt GREAT. quiero otro. 


love always, steph


p.s. YAY! THANKS VICTORIA FOR POSTING THE LINK :)

Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween! Although I can only whisper, I had a great time. Family came over, and I took sophia trick/treating with ruby. Then we met up with the Frietze Family and continued on with them. Afterwards we scared a lot of people at our house and retired to talk with the family. 

Everyone looked cute.

I wish I could talk!

XOXOXO

StephaniE

p.s. some very interesting dreams last night!! :O

Fuck Her. I Want it SO FUCKING BAD. 

and if she's lying FUCK HIM TO HELL. 

I LOST MY VOICE!

Seriously, this happens to me EVERY year. 

We'll be K-I-T soon. ;) 

I LITERALLY CANNOT WAIT FOR SAT SCORES.

Got the call, after ten seconds of coaxing him, 

(j: "you called?" 

me: "yes, only to return your voicemail you left me.." 

j: "oh. yeah. thats right......so are you mad at me?" ) 

The call was short and sweet and to the point. I told him I was mad because he went about it the wrong way. He apologized, asked if I would forgive him. And I asked how he was going to make it up to me. "I'll think of something. ;) " We'll see what I get. And then because I am a sweetheart, I apologized too, but within reason. "He played me. I thought he knew and I jumped to a conclusion. But he was just full of BS." I kind of regret apologizing. 

Damn. I still need to get down to the bottom of why I am the focus in this. I don't understand. I mean HE is the reacher. Anyways, we ended it with a "okay, I'm really tired. Good night." again, 

SHORT 

SIMPLE

TO THE POINT. 

We'll see if I get a call tomorrow morning.

Note to self: need to search for another guy on the side. jic.

I'm really just pissed off at him. And her. They both don't know what they are dealing with. I really try, but it's not worth it anymore.
Left the house tonight, for an hour. I actually had a great time learning about this guy I met up with. He totally is not my type... but fun nonetheless. :) 
Anyways, I had a great time at MORE club. <3 love that kid!
That otro guy needs to get his shit together and stop being a drama king. I'm so fucking over that part of him. He's such a hypocrite. I'm sure it was "shit! get me some dirt on her!" But it's not even that way.I plan to play him and spin this drama on him. We'll see what he does to make up for this shit. Waiting for the call. Need to practice my lines... 
Micro test tom. 
RAH RAH? oh yeah and fuck her for moving on the territory. I don't really see the other little ones as a threat, and she definitely is NOT one either but still rather annoying. 
DAH DAH? oh why didn't you follow through? Such a bitch midday. Such a sweetie in the morning. FUCKING PICK ONE PLEASE. 


I'm Just TIRED. 
I need to sleep. 
I think holding in ALL my emotions for so long has led to this. I really just want a breath of air. 


XOXOXO

OMG. JUST FUCK OFF.

i'M SO SICK AND TIRED OF HER. 
FUCK OFF.


And seriously, what an ass, I know what would have made it okay. I probably wouldn't have taken it anyway, but he should have followed through. 

TOO-SDAY

Morning Routine ✓
<3  ✓
1st period ✓
Getting my Calc grade up! ✓
Playing "One Man in the Shower, YES!" ✓
Getting food from ASB and getting yelled at by the KATHYBITCH ✓
3rd period ✓
MORE club meeting ✓
Getting a wrist band from ale, and giving it to darren ✓
Getting THREE from Mr. Jones ✓
Going shopping for 4 hours ✓
Finding the PERFECT pair of boots only to find that they are in the PERFECT color in UTAH ✓
Going to Nick's bball practice ✓
Coming home to sleep ✓

Monday

Busy busy busy. More club and church and college apps and hw. UGH
um had the parent-more-club meeting, oh yeah, went shopping before it. and went to staples to make copies. anyways. Parent-student more club thing was a success and i am now nathan's buddy. I also met his mom. and yeshhh. he was there too. weird. i saw his mom. and yeahhh.
anyways, afterwards i raced to church and next meeting we are going over the skits. and took gabe home. and now i'm here. need to do anatomy...if i am going to do it. and go to bed. 
I WANT A NEW PAIR OF BOOTS. PREFERABLY BLACK 3IN+ HEEL, OR NUDE COLOR UGGS.
I ALSO WANT A TRENCH, NUDE COLORED AS WELL.
A FITTED PULLOVER SWEATER.
GRAY SKINNY JEANS POSSIBLY
MAYBE A PAIR OF LEGGINGS? although i doubt i'd ever wear them
AND SOME NEW SHIRTS.
i don't really need any of this stuff. except maybe the boots. BUT I WANT. NOW!


yepp...*** tomorrow, tomorrow, your only a day away!!!

oh yeah, 
7 MORE DAYS!!!

I'M SO ^^Y

;) !!!