i can show you....

GROAN. You know that ungodly noise that sounds like a dying walrus---it's like a grunt but lasts longer. It's like an "UGHHHHHHHHGHHHHH" sound. Yeah. That's my life right now. 
I am beyond overwhelmed. I wanna just go out for a run, so I can run and run and run and run until I get lost and forget about everything and only focus on where I am at, and the fear of being lost, and focus on finding my way back home. 
My heart would be racing, and I can picture me in some shoddy movie where the camera would take a bunch of random epileptic angles and swirl around me, and then I'd see something I recognize, and head off in that direction... 
But really I came back, and was renewed. I still felt like crap deep, deep, deep, down, but I had some more strength to push it farther and stop thinking about it. I started loving myself. I started being more genuine and more goofy and just all around a dork; I started being myself. And the first week I noticed I was acting weird--in a good way, but still weird. And the next week I realized I was having more fun, talking to more people, making more experiences, memories, laughs. I didn't think it was possible. And then--get this-- it seemed like every male on the face of the earth was in to me. I was getting invites left and right. And then I thought about it, and it was like a distant feeling of deja-vu. It's like a cycle. I swear, I think my power to allure men is like seasonal. hahaha. But I started getting back to my old ways, I started letting these certain devices take hold of me again. I started trying to take advantage of my situation. I WANTED IT ALL. And now I notice where it's been catching up with me. The dynamics of my relationships are changing. I like the change to a degree, but it doesn't give me the same feeling of joy--now it's more a feeling of..obligation?--it's different. I still have as many invites as I had before, but now they don't mean the same to me. UGH.
I need to decide between colleges. My HEAD says it's probably more beneficial to attend APU. But, My gut instinct says VUSC is the better choice. I'm not sure if I side with my feelings or my mind. 
Also, I am excited--it's bittersweet--a kind of anxious, excitement...


I PRAY I CHOOSE THE RIGHT COLLEGE, MY PLANS FALL INTO PLACE, I GO BACK TO TRUSTING MYSELF, AND I CAN FIND MY WAY BACK HOME....AMEN.