i can show you....

I really doubt anyone signs-in to this nowadays. It took me a while to even remember my login/password. Anyways. Here is a general sum and outpour of myself.

I am lonely. Not in the desperate way where I'd do anything to be with anyone. But in the fact that I just wish I could be with someone forever. Just a companionship that I knew would always be true. Someone that made me open my mind and think outside the box, and made me realize a different perspective than my own. Someone who helped me in the areas I lack, and didn't mind it. Someone I could share everything with--even all the un-interesting details of my day, because even if it was boring, hearing it from me would make it interesting. Someone who knew the right things to say, and when to just listen and nod and and disregard every crazy word that comes out of my mouth. Someone who would hug me every moment they're with me, and never stop making me smile. Someone, who I knew respected me and I respected as well. Just someone. I really think I could be with anyone given enough...time. But the point is I don't want just anyone. I want someone. 

And this little phase might pass me by. But I think I never got around to thinking about myself and I rushed into some things. And that's why I did what I did... and what I've been doing. So it's not that I love these guys. I guess I kind of like them, in the sense that I don't abhor them. But, truth be told, I don't even respect either of them. But in the same breath I don't respect myself either...

I started this post with a direction. But now I'm thinking of all sorts of other tangent thoughts. I thought I solved it but..it's still enigmatic. 

Anyways, I was going to say I was thinking of a relationship. But I feel like I'm just trying to make things more complicated. I kept telling myself that high school is almost over, and the whole next crazy transition of college would just make a mess of a relationship, and I really doubt I have the guts to start something when I'm so close to moving onto a new part of my life. But part of the desire for something like that is the wonderful feeling of holding someone's hand when you are going through something tough. I mean it's the memories I want, not quite the title this time. I don't want to be in a "relationship", but I want to talk to someone for hours on end and never stop laughing. So, this just might slip away. Tomorrow I might just be wild and crazy and in love with the shallow chit-chat and friendships I have with just about everyone and not even look back. But as of right now, I'm anxious about all the new things in my life.